Monday, March 23, 2009

The bear went over the mountain.

I'm in love with Green Jell-O all over again. To hell with calling them Green Jelly. Fuck you, general foods.

You know what irks me? People who don't know who Gary Cooper is. What bothers me even more is the fact that I just said irks.

Despite general loathing of her character in general, I am worried about my younger cousin. She's not quite retarded. Hell, I wouldn't even call her slow. I guess developmentally stunted is the term I'm reaching for. Anyway, here's a quick breakdown of what's got my forehead wrinkled:

She's having a ton of unprotected sex. I mean, a ton. Now, I'm certainly not one to wag my finger in the face of promiscuity, but the last thing this kid needs is a baby. She can barely handle her shitty job handing out pizza hut pizza to fat pasty tourists.

Also, her choice in partners is questionable. The buzz is that she's taking most of her cervical beatings from the white trash and 'wigger' types.

When I called to gently encourage her to be safe, and get used to getting tested for STD's on a regular basis, I caught a ration of shit and a fifteen minute temper tantrum about how I should just 'mind my own stupid business'. Now, if we were close, that comment might make me chuckle. It's fairly accurate. My business is often stupid. However, being the distant 'let's make small talk and I'll sneak you the odd beer at family functions' relatives that we are, it just bummed me out.

That aside, her latest 'boyfriend' is in a medically induced coma. See, she got kicked out of her Mom's house because she was tired of hearing her daughter being railed. So, she moved in with her Dad. Dad somehow got her a job at the aforementioned pizza hut, and then bought her a car so she could drive to said job.

Well, she quit. Just walked out. Dad took the car away, so she decided to blow her savings on some piece of shit firebird. Flash forward a week, and she got herself a lovely five hundred dollar ticket for driving without insurance. A ticket she could not pay. Apparently you can get out of them if you go to court and show them that you have learned the error of your ways and purchased insurance for your vehicle, so, being the grand enabler, her mom took care of that for her.

Now let's flash forward another week. Her boyfriend, who at this point was living with her at her Dad's house, needed transportation to his shitty McJob. Despite warnings from both of her parents, she let him drive her car to work. Naturally this winner was lacking a license and insurance [hence the warnings], and when the cops tried to pull him over for whatever reason, he tried to outrun them. Needless to say, this did not work. He hit another car containing a mother and her two small children, then careened into a telephone pole.

Enter medically induced coma. Now this shitbag's family is going to try and sue my aunt to cover the medical costs, as, here comes a shocker, they don't have medical insurance.

My cousin, in between hanging out in his hospital room, writing nonsensical myspace bulletins about being heart-broken and moping, is apparently stuffing as many cocks into her vagina as possible.

Oh, it gets better. We'll be moving to Washington state in a matter of days, and as this is where my cousin lives, the task of getting her on the right track has been tossed into my corner.

This honestly amuses me. Up until the past few years, I've been the family fuck up. Now I'm getting the new fuck ups back on track. I'm like the white, hairy, flabby version of Dee West. Maybe Maury will give me a job. I could definitely scream at people for a living.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Pew Pew.


Best St. Patrick's Day ever.